During day 158, I was truly submissive to the point where it felt like rape. BUT IT WASN’T: JUST FOR CLARIFICATION. We were in the middle of a sex session when I had a automatic response. When he isn’t being dominate enough or i’m not involved enough or just my attention is somewhere else. I yawn. I usually don’t yawn when he’s alphamaling me. Because he tells me what he is going to do to me and I become involved . Well, I yawned and he got a little perturbed about it and wanted to teach me a lesson. He was serious yet he was slightly TRYING to be playful. So, he said i’m going to have to punish you! “I’m going to spank you. Naughty girl.” Me being submissive as i’m practicing to be. I go along with it. I lay across his lap and he spanks me HARD. IT HURT. 4 times. I can’t remember what i said in response…. But, i knew what i thought and felt in response. (We are equally responsible for the yawn! When a person stops taking responsibility no matter what he stops growing and stops finding ways to solve problems. Team work is taking responsibility in finding solutions to get a desired result. Mr. Darling agrees)
(Background info: as a child I was spanked ALOT!! With paddles, rulers, hands. etc. NOT ACCEPTABLE! ESPECIALLY FOR PURSUIT OF PEACE.) These memories flooded back. It was hard for me to want to make love to him after that. But, i wanted to be submissive. Because he is learning and not perfect. I can’t expect myself to wait and make love to him when he is perfect!!! Would i want him to do that to me???? NO! I didn’t say anything but i was cry laughing the whole time after that because I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO CONTINUE; BUT I DID WANT TO CONTINUE! Then he stuck his penis in while i was feeling this and that is where i got a tiny glimpse of rape or could imagine what people felt like. But, like i said i was submitting and didn’t say anything. Then he goes and makes his other mistake and said, I guess you know what its like to be raped now. !!! That just messed my brain up. I was so confused. Was it rape? I was crying hard! We stopped. We both discussed what had happened and how it made me feel and how wrong somethings were. or were they? If i hadn’t had past physical and emotional trauma! I couldn’t vent properly, i felt he wasn’t being understanding 100 percent. I also, didn’t really feel that he felt sorry or sorrowful for how he made me feel. Usually if something is done to a person like feeling physical pain they need to vent physically. For example, like punching bags etc. I slapped him on the back….sort of….earlier. But, i forgave and moved on. Subconsciously I didn’t.
We moved ourselves to the kitchen. There, a carton of juice, that is specifically for the kids was standing out. I dislike it when he drinks it, especially the night before the next day. Since the kids really really need it in the mornings and are a hadful if they don’t get it. I don’t mind that he drinks it if he is going to buy more before he goes to bed. So, he asked me, “can I drink some?”, while i’m busy doing something else. I respond “if you are going to buy more”. I don’t hear anything from him. So, Im planning the day in my head and preparing. I’m thinking in my head breakfast, oatmeal and i remembered that there was just enough juice for both the kids tomorrow. While i’m thinking this I turned around and picked up the juice carton,,,,,,,EMPTY…… I WAS UPSET. HOW RUDE! He drank the bottle without taking personal responsibility of what it implied when he drank it. He didn’t COMMUNICATE THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUY MORE IF HE WAS! WHERE WAS HIS INTEGRITY. Just cause he’s the leader doesn’t mean he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS OR DISREGARD MY NEED TO CONSERVE MY ENERGY. You have no idea how stressful it is without juice and having to go OUT OF MY WAY TO get some. It helps keep peace through the morning and day when i have other priorities to accomplish AND TAKE CARE OF KIDS WHO NEED ME TO KEEP UP WITH THEM 24\7. This is a no no and treating me like a doormat without helping me with my plans. this was a win lose situation. And on top of everything else that had happened during sex and during the day. Plus, I was out of my horny days and not feeling AS SEXY as before. It was too much! I am NOT going to be treated like this or allow myself to continue feeling like this . I picked up the carton and chucked it at him. It hit him squarely in the chest. He chucked it back and missed. I was surprised at how fast my reaction was to how I was feeling. I cooled down and then apologized. I’ve NEVER been that upset where I actually use a object. Yes i usually freak out around my PMS time. I am just a wag my finger and talking at person. Or I just slap back. But, this was overwhelming. When I apologized he didn’t accept it. When he left and said goodbye i didn’t respond. He didn’t contact me for 9 hours until he showed up at home. I had freaked out 2 ours prior to the 9. I was wondering if he was safe and when was i going to see him again? I had texted him 2 times and called twice. without response. I was crying because I didn’t know what to think. And what was I going to do with myself and the kids during my irrational worst case scenario.
He came home we talked until the wee hours of the next morning.
He took responsibility for his mistakes and I mine. Order is restored and stronger relationship is pursuing.