Post. #2 of day 40
Life is not without challenges. To say that mine is would be a lie. I have much to learn. On how to say things or just keeping things to myself. And most importantly to ingrain within myself an attitude independent of circumstances. Depending on what i put in my head, this is more than possible to do.
Please be aware my husband reads every word I say more than once. So, first things first. I love you honey! I’m grateful for your openess, your patience, your desire to grow and help others. I had said that my husband only has emissions now. No ejaculations. That would be true if he was perfect in sex. Which i mistakingly assumed that he mastered his ability to last once and for all. Well mistakes and growth go hand in hand. If no one made a mistake there would be nothing to learn. Boring. Remembering this in the moment; i’m still learning.
Jobs can be inconsistent. So, last night was a night shift beginning at 7 pm………we had our kids during the day. Striving to schedule our sex. :-O. 30 mins before midnight, We started our love making. (i wasn’t able to oral him before we started which always gives me such high satisfaction and increase of fulfullment) I was having difficult being on top because of a healing injury to my ankle. So, missionary position. I actually feel less in that position than on top. (as research says this is for most woman too) He was recieving more stimulation than i was and then he reaches his level 8.. which is orgasm. (level 9 is emission and level 10 is ejaculation.) So, he was there staying on level 8 where as I was at level 3, 4 or 5. Women you know how this feels. When the mans is having all the pleasure. We have to stop because he’s starting to get to the 9 territory. It’s time for bed. Kids get up at 5:30. I’m happy for him. But, at the same time………….. I love him and i wouldn’t take that away from him. I know my time for awesome pleasure is coming once i am healed of my foot and my dependance of my clitoris. But, none the less it affects me.
Controlling,Nagging, Snappy, restless, pent up, the feeling of needing to express all the time. Back Problems especially in between the shoulder blades, Nit pick, everything he does is wrong. I want chocolate and candy! Junk food. I have constantly this craving of……..SOMETHING, never being able to put my finger on it. Trying everything to fill this Blank whatever. I have to be right all the time. everything must be perfect now. unallowing of mistakes. Everything is a threat. The need to clean. The need to be superwoman all by myself instead of asking for help. For goodness sake i just want to feel important. I want to feel peace… if there is more i will add them.
Above all I love him.